I had stopped writing for ages now, I regret it. Even the psychologists say to put your thoughts into writing not only because it’s a good practice, but it keeps you at peace with your inner self. I think I lost that friendship long ago, since then there has always been a rough feud between my mind and heart. I have always been a storehouse of emotions...overtly emotional you can say. Sometimes I complained to God for creating me like this, as if it were some kind of an unspeakable disease. As I write this I do not wish you to feel sympathetic towards me because that would hurt my never smoldering ego. I am like this. Sometimes I feel like bursting into tears for all the rejections that I had faced, all the heartaches, betrayals but then I feel I’m strong and capable of controlling myself .But for how long? When I see you happy and contended without me, my heart pains ...I feel as if I had been struck by a bow...piercing my heart...Oh! the excruciating pain which I had felt !...Even before I could properly comprehend what I was experiencing another wave of emotion hit me like a bee sting .This was not at all welcoming rather it was pretty frustrating. I was feeling very hot from outside and sensed a burning from inside...but the real question was why?...didn’t I show the one, who I thought had wronged me in so many different ways, and to the rest of the world that I was a strong woman and better off without such meagre-likes like him .Then suddenly why this suffering? I should be satisfied that what I intended upon having is ultimately mine i.e. peace. But then peace is a tricky word and in my case pretty delusional. I had never been truly happy since then and could feel a budding restlessness mounding inside me which can lash out like an angry serpent’s poison-filled tongue at anyone who brought about anger or displeasure in me.
....Until one day I read two sayings, which described my state very well:
1) “ If you don’t get what you want you suffer ; if you get what you don’t want , you suffer ; even when you get exactly what you want , you still suffer because you cannot hold on to it forever .Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality”-Socrates.
2) “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness”.
....From that day, I promised to forgive you from my heart without judging whether you or I were at fault not because of your but for my own good. I prayed to God to give me the strength to forget all bitterness and remember you as a happy memory. And since then I have been happy and contended.
